OPEN EMBRACE

AFLAME: ANCIENT WISDOM ON MARRIAGE

AN UPDATE FROM BETHANY

Five years down the road from writing Open Embrace, we’ve inevitably changed somewhat. Since we still get letters from people assuming that we haven’t changed at all, we wanted to give a brief update.

We've become parents of three children, and experienced many joys and struggles (from postpartum depression to whooping cough). While we still believe in the importance of family, we're more mellow about encouraging others to have more children.

Our personal experience in the past five years has shown that we had a lot to learn about NFP, and that there is a dark side we weren’t aware of. Though Open Embrace said that it only involves a short period of abstinence, we didn’t know that during breastfeeding cycles it often involves month-long periods of abstinence and dehabilitating stress. During such times (as well as during menopause and stressful life seasons), strict NFP reaches a point where it is more harmful for a marriage than good. We think that Jesus' words in Luke 11:46 apply: "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry."

Many Christians believe that the "self" is totally depraved or fundamentally evil. Shades of this influenced our perspective in Open Embrace and our attraction to NFP. We now fully believe in the power of the Resurrection and we no longer live our lives constantly on the alert for "selfishness." Yes, we are marred by sin, but God has given us new hearts with his image strongly growing in them -- which means our deepest desires are true and good (see Waking the Dead by John Eldredge). One example: wanting to make love to your spouse often is a good thing, but NFP often lays an unfair burden of guilt on men for feeling this.

We still believe in the "language of the body"--which informs our rejection of some aspects of NFP. How is it that spouses are saying "yes" to the gift of each other when they end up abstaining for much of their married lives (from the aforementioned breastfeeding cycles, pregnancy exhaustion, or energy being diverted into raising kids)? We also see honest congruity with the language of the body by saying "no" to conception with our bodies (via barrier methods or sensual massage) when our minds and hearts are also saying "no" to conception.

Because of all this, we want to promote simply the concept of fertility awareness (a la Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler). We have hope that the science of fertility tracking can be improved in accuracy and simplicity in the future, especially through ovulation-predicting technology. Cyclical periods of realistic abstinence can be great for deepening communication and creating a honeymoon effect. But it’s a theological attack on women to always require that abstinence during the time of the wife’s peak sexual desire (ovulation) for the entire duration of her fertile life, except for the handful of times when she conceives.

The motive behind Open Embrace was to help foster strong and joyful marriages, and that's still our goal in writing this. We are still concerned about the Pill and hormonal contraceptives for their effects on women. We still agree with everything we wrote about the goodness of sex, marriage, the body, and the beauty of children. Thanks to those who were interested in the book and asked for an update.

—Bethany Torode
May 2006

AN UPDATE FROM SAM

Here's an unpublished essay on "Sex & the Early Church" that explains some things I learned in-between Open Embrace and the follow-up book, Aflame: Ancient Wisdom on Marriage.

—ST